I sometimes fall in the trap of feeling that we are already permanently
made and forever defined. Thinking there are things in us that could never
change, that our ideals or our fatal fate are engraved in our future
road. I know undoubtedly that we all still walk roads of per-established
patterns built by our insecurities and what our world has forced us to believe
we deserve or not deserve.
How many dysfunctional motives live in us disguised as ideal dreams that
constantly lead us to disappointment?
What are we not seeing? What are we afraid to confront? What truths
hunts us, limiting our ability to believe in the true beauty and emotional potential
in us?
We have allowed ourselves to not feel by numbing the pain of truth. We
inflate our egos as a mean to self growth, thinking growing up was something of
our youth and past. An obsolete concept in the closeness or past the summit of
our mid lives.
We rip the calendar pages of our days living fast, and so very often
shallowly in search for meanings that can justify the minutes of our lives that
escape our being. I have lived fast, pushing the time to give immediate
meaning, forcing things down to the ground that had lost their gravity;
forcing my life to remain rooted to infertile grounds of expired, yet
well known patterns I have learned to live with.
I have allowed myself to live with meaningless efforts in search of
happiness, until life forced me to slow down and live amazing experiences that
had visible expiration dates and that ultimately gave me two hard choices: to
be a victim and become cynical about them or to allow happiness and sorrow to
make a visible positive change in me, the last one being the hardest one to
master but ultimately my preferred choice in life.
It has been there where I have given up my old ways and taken the time
to learn to master the arts of my own present living. I have taken time to
understand myself and the turmoil of feelings that hunt my days, even if I hide
from them they always find me, they want a space in my life and so they get it
but they no longer are allowed to live for free. Like a tenant they must pay
rent so I can profit from them.
And my profits have been many. I continue to take the time now to know
me, change, and re define what wrongly defines me. I now absorb the words
pronounced to me by those who appreciate me and change the things that
constructively had been said to me; and so I have learned to tight my shoes
better to trip less with my own shoe laces.
I have taken time to hug with meaning, to love slow, see kindly at
the world in front of me, I have learned to lose with integrity, I have
learned to grief slowly without blaming and ultimately forgive truly myself and
others.
My antagonist soul could have been my worst enemy, but I have stopped
feeding her, her power is limited but her symbiotic presence necessary. And
so, in the search of myself I have finally discovered that more than
often those who I met along the way who's antagonist soul has not been
restrained, they have deliberately stepped on the beauty of my world
-trashing my honest exposed attempt of a balanced life- they are in fact
souls who are losing themselves the battle of life, early signs of aging
stubbornly, it all starts with heart dementia.
Ultimately is better to know ourselves naive, imperfect and in search of
meaning but capable of loving fully our imperfect self than to allow oneself
our time in this world to be driven by a loveless ego, never questioning
if our believes are exterminating the hope in the minutes of our lives.
The choice is
always there: to learn to love again.
Stavanger Wednesday, 2nd March 2011
No comments:
Post a Comment