Forever

Many times I’ve wondered if one day my name was going to take full ownership of my life; I've wondered if my name would become a definition of all that God had intended for me, and suddenly in a moment in time all the gifts, talents and lessons of my life would finally collide in one single moment, making me Paula Forever. 

That crucial moment I presume has been happening during my last three years of life. Like the drop of water that carves the stone, so I been made, painfully slowly, yet profoundly acknowledged by the Universe as special and unique; like all children of God; just waiting for the eyes of the soul to develop in the fertile womb of time, to finally acknowledge the idea that there is more to our lives, than what we intend to define based on the worldly dictionary of our realities.  And so, I understood, after tears and smiles of painful and happy years; God expected something more of me, of my life and the imposed expectations that up to now had defined me.

I had the hope to reach one day the place of simple happiness that for so long my ideals had been seeking, but the more I lived the more I realized, that my life script although written by the same great hand that creates all life, for some reason, had been decided that my life needed to be written seldom in prose, and more than often in complicated yet beautiful and meaningful verses.

I am far to know what my call is, nor I claim to know the answers to all the questions of my existence; however,  I have claimed the right to my humble imperfect humanity and have finally acknowledge the beauty within me and over me;  being blessed with wonderful gifts that make me special, yet never fully recognized by the soul, I so much sheltered in my heart as one of the ultimate validations of my human existence . The simple dream of love that for many builds in instants of grace had become the hardest yet rewarding challenge of my life.

How little I was to know, that God had intended a long journey, in which he needed me still to give and share my simple gifts and talents with others, before I could put myself again in the road in search of my companion of life, and even when the road did open itself again to my stubborn and selfish vision, I hadn’t realized that he simply had mended the wounds so I could continue walking in the desert of my life, where I get to be simply and in gratitude Paula forever....

She - A painful journey of waiting and letting go

No, she is not a poet, but she is able to find the poetry in life. No, she is not a writer, but her words are born from her heart to find meaning to her thoughts, they escape her being, and she can't and won't "withhold" them. NO, she is not a singer, but her voice can transmit emotions and feelings that otherwise she doesn't know how to show. 

 

She was born in part like this, but for what it seems to be a lifetime, she has waited for this moment to become truly hers. Now she knows she is the person she is happy to be with, the person she speaks the most with, the person she knows appreciates the beauty within her and in others. Day by day she has less need for validation, as her right validation mirrors have appeared finally during her long painful wait; she has seen her reflection in those mirrors life has in time put her way, and she has seen herself with the kindest and mature reflection of her heart. She can smile at herself, she now knows and likes who she is. Still, the hardest lessons remains her challenge, to let go of her mirrors that are dearest to her heart, as they no longer serve that purpose. She must not make again the mistake of living through vision of others and unreal images of herself, she must keep evolving, she has learned that lesson well.

She has waited long, time sometimes is still a painful companion of her dreams in life, but life demands her patience over and over again, the lessons have not been mastered she must understand that.

Yesterday behind her face a hidden sorrow came to her, she needed answers she knew she already had, still in a different land,  “HE” sent to her, an elegant, beautiful and honest messenger of her second homeland, a messenger who had gone through the same as her. He told her his story of hope, with words and with emotion reflected in his kind and honest smile, his self-assurance and pleasant manner reminded her of what she really wants in a man, and then he said softly, kindly and with that shine in his beautiful Scandinavian blue eyes "The only advice I have for you, is to let time be". 

She is stubborn, and refuses sometimes to remember what she already knows, nothing makes sense in the wrong time, and all makes sense in the right time.

There are a few things in her life that she knows need time . When it comes to her, SHE has arrived to the now, her time is now, and she is living it, as for the second, she has the certainty that even if she has to wait, she has never been as close as she is now to find it... and that puts a big smile in her face.

From Utrecht, NL - March 2010