Extracts from my mind: Next to a madman (3) I gave myself to the moment, there was no yesterday, there was no tomorrow, there was no time for prudence or morality, there was only time for the hedonism of the moment.

Extracts from my mind: Next to a madman (3)
Paula Robles Nettel

I was late for work, so I took a quick shower and said goodbye to him in the doorway thanking him while we gave each other a rather impersonal embrace; before leaving the room he told me he was going to have a very busy day, had serious business to attend to and that probably he wouldn’t have time to see me again as he was working on a secret and perhaps dangerous project that required all his concentration.  “Maybe I call you later” he said and I replied as I would do from then until the last day of our story "I hear when I hear you, I see you when I see you, I read when I read you".

I arrived at my office trying to hide my hangover and my emotional state, I concluded that it was best to go home, I asked for one day off saying I was not feeling well. I got to my apartment, placed the flowers in water and the paper bag on the table and smiled from the inside for the first time in a long time. The fatigue of the night before finally took me into the oblivion of a few hours of sleep, upon awakening I realized that it was dark and I felt again the feeling of being lost in the dark place where I was before I met Henning Alexander. I looked at my phone, there were not missing calls or messages, I felt how the longing took over me even though I knew better than to expect anything. I had the secret hope of seeing him again. I showered slowly while the smells of shampoo and soap engraved the memories of the night before.  I straightened my rebellious curly hair and after I gently curled it in a more lady like style, this time hiding my shame in the magic of the night before and in the denial of any thought that could have diminished my intentions that clearly were contradicting my moral, I applied my make-up perfectly with all the effort that a woman makes to conquer the world. I chose a black dress that accentuated my best parts and sat down in the dark living room to wait, the minutes passed slowly tormenting my mind, hope born and died waiting for his call while I controlled my need to cry in order not to mess up my makeup, but the pain in my heart was so strong, I knew I was still a deluded fool, betting all for nothing, all this had no reason to be. Where was my sanity I wondered?

Finally the call came, Henning apologized for the delay, he had been busy but now had time for me and invited me out for dinner. He asked for us to meet in a bar called Cardinal, a casual and relaxed bar with a collection of over 500 beers on the menu, he knew we had affinity for the diversity of beer. I arrived at the bar and searched for him among the people who were there, it took a few seconds to see him while he was already watching me from the bar with those sweet eyes of the night before. He like myself had made a little more effort than the day before, wearing a nice pair of dark blue jeans, a light blue fitted shirt, and a dark blazer. We tried a few beers, talked and laughed without feeling ashamed about the night before, we acted naturally, unpretentious and without any innuendo. We left the bar and walked through the charming street called Skagen where some of the original buildings of Stavanger preserve the magic of the past and where now the nightlife and restaurants are the main attraction. We arrived at NB Sørensen, a popular restaurant in one of the historic houses in Stavanger, with its particularly heavy woods and a collection of maritime memorabilia it offers a unique and pleasant atmosphere, we were seated in the middle of the restaurant and yet it seemed that no one existed around us. Henning wanted to know more about my life and the conversation led us to the illness of my ex-husband, I mentioned that I was worried about the last messages I was getting from him where he asked me to take care of our son, to always tell him that he loved him and thanked me for being such a good mother. I confessed that I in the effort to save our friendship after our separation, I felt responsible for the emotional welfare of my ex-husband. Although sometimes it was not easy when the person who suffers from depression doesn't realize that if given more time to professional help they might have had improvements in their life. I did not know anymore how to help him and was afraid he wanted to commit suicide. I expressed all my frustrations with the medical system, our family doctor, I called several times for help, but in his clinic I was told over and over that they could not do anything if he did not seek help himself.  I showed him the texts of my phone, Henning Alexander read them slowly and then returned the phone back to me with teary eyes and apologized for not being able to read them further, he could identify very much with my ex-husband suffering.

We agreed to only speak about pleasant things and enjoy the company of each other. After dinner we continued the night in the bar Holmen of the historic hotel Victoria, we began to be more quiet as we looked at each other, sitting in a sofa facing each other, our body language was open, our placid smiles transmitted the intentions silently exposed, the desire to be with the other intensified only by the way we look one another. We decided to walk down the main street of the port, the night was cold and there were a few more people than the night before, we passed in front of the statue of Kielland and stopped there, he took my hand and passed it over the letters of Kielland’s name in the statue, we smiled at each other in complicity. Arriving at the hotel I stopped at the main entrance, Henning Alexander grabbed my hand again and asked me to come up to his room suggesting to make a pact to not trespass the barriers of friendship, suggesting we could just talk more. “I want to spend more time with you” he said tenderly. I accepted knowing well that his words and the acceptance of his invitation in such terms was a fallacy. Neither of us could hide in our eyes the desire to feel again the warm fire already burning in us, but still we tried to hide the truth pretending decency.

We got into the room, the entire contents of his luggage was misplaced, books, papers, notes scattered everywhere.

“I'm pretty disorganized but clean” he said apologetically. “Never mind, I do not live with you” I said with a voice and a sneer look. He laughed with his deep voice and with his usual silly peals of laughter.

There was a desk near the room where his computer and several stacked books were, among them was a book of Kant and the book of Psalms, I took the book of Psalms and leafed through it slowly as I felt how he watched me carefully. I looked up meeting his eyes and smiled nervously feeling how my heart raced just by being near him, I tried to pass to the other side of the room between him and the chair standing next to him in order not to be betrayed by my own desire, but just as I walked he moved in front of me, and I turning to look up at him and with the nervousness of the situation said

“The advantage of being short is that you can see the nostrils of the people” I said with a mocking tone. With an immediate movement he touched his nose inquiring about the state of his nose, while I laughed strenuously while he lowering his sight said

“You have beautiful brown eyes” .
 “And your eyes are blue like the sky”.

“I wish I could kiss you but I cannot, must not and I will not do it” He said with sadness in his eyes. “Kiss me with your eyes, with them we can kiss”, I said smiling while casually placing  my hands  on his hips. He instantly put his hands over mine closing his eyes and with a look of resignation on his face he sighed “I just had a dramatic reaction down there”.

I apologized slightly pulling away from him but in that instant grabbing my hand with determination and without a word he took me to the single armchair in the room. He sat on the armchair and brought me towards him, resting his head on my stomach while caressing my hips for a while under my dress, he then pulled down my pantyhose, touching me blindly trespassing my underwear while I stood there humid, soft, malleable like clay ready to be molded, lifting his face to look up to me I could recognize the hungry look in his eyes while  my hands stroked tenderly his head, he then opened my wrap dress that easily fell to the floor and brought me gently into his lap facing each other touching my body with no rush. “Do you want to kiss him?” he asked while separating me from him and looking down into the bulging middle part of his dark blue jeans.

Invaded by the same feeling of the unusual situation of the previous night, I slowly unbuckled his belt, opening the door for his satisfaction while openly lamenting how unfair it was to see the beauty of his masculinity and not been able to fully enjoy it but giving him gladly the kisses he desired. Eventually he called my name and stopped me while still touching my hair, he then stood up with no rush and helped me stand up as well by pulling my hand softly to follow him towards the big sofa where he removed the rest of my underwear “I can’t stop now” he said with an agitated voice as he removed his clothes. I then asked him to protect himself and he did. He then sat down and drag me to sit in the center of his glory. Slow, every movement was slow following the rhythm of the classical music that played from his computer, his eyes dilated, lovely blue heaven eyes where I got lost from the first moment I met him. We made love, unleashing in every moment the overflowing sensuality that had for so long been restricted. I gave myself to the moment, there was no yesterday, there was no tomorrow, there was no time for prudence or morality, there was only time for the hedonism of the moment. In that space in time that was only ours we gave ourselves to one another with our bodies and the groaning of our voices, rhythmically slipping with the moisture emanating of our bodies while our eyes kissed. We finished exhausted in bed and we stayed awake for a while.

Lying on his chest I told him I was worried for the consequences of the broken condom, but that there was nothing to do but accept the consequences of our acts. He then told me not to worry that he was not sick and he was not worried about any other consequence for he would respect my decisions. He then grabbed my hand and kissed it. We fell silent for a while and then he sighed and said  

“There are women who are frigid, you are definitely not, sensual Sørlyset” he expressed with a gentle smile in his face and went on saying, “It has been many years now since the last time I made love this way, my intimate spaces are few and of hasty pleasure; I take the chances she gives me so I won’t go mad but they leave full of guilt for desiring them often and full of fear of rejection for insinuating them". He said sadly.

“Have you been with a sexologist?” I’ve asked.  “A relationship without sex is something I never want to experience again”. I commented with interest while I stroked his beard. “Do you have a single brother?” I asked hastily to avoid getting an answer to my previous question.

“Yes, but I would never introduce you to him, you would be too much of a woman for him, he is not passionate like me”.  He said seriously and continued, “I do not think there are many men in this country who can deal with a woman so passionate and emotional as you” he concluded.  It was not the first time someone had told me this in relation to my temperament and excessive emotional side, but on the question of libido I had always thought that all modern women had released and liberated their libido and mine was just pretty average.

“Except you?” I said in a sarcastic tone. “Yes, I would be enough man but I am not free, please do not fall in love with me, because I'm not going to fall in love with you” he said seriously.

I replied saying that I was not going to fall in love with him, but that for me this had only been the opportunity to spend time in a time machine that I had created for us, where we were allowed to be without guilt if we wanted, because in that time machine we were free. When I woke up it was too late, he had already stood up and showered, he suggested that I showered while he attended a call,  when I was finished showering he had already set the dining table with the breakfast he had ordered. I sat opposite to him, my curly hair still wet fell on my face without makeup, he looked at me carefully and said “You're so pretty with your curly hair”. All his compliments throughout our time together where the starting point of self acceptance, my tummy, my hair, my face with no make up, I was not used being praised in that manner, for when I compared myself to others, I had always seen my limitations and not necessarily what made me unique and different.

He walked me to the door, hugged me and thanked me profusely giving me a kiss on the forehead. I left the hotel with the biggest smile in the universe, once again I had felt how the body can vibrate with another after so much time of being repressed by rejection, and I  knew this was not the end because it had not even a beginning, and that despite of the dysfunction of  the experience I had to be smart enough and understand that Henning Alexander had come along to my life in order to validate my femininity, my passion and emotion that so much validation needed, and to accept this experience without any expectations, because given the opportunity to meet the right person, in this world there were probably other men like him, but free.

Later while I was at the office I got an urgent message from Henning, a situation back home demanded his presence earlier than expected. He wanted to say goodbye and asked me to meet him inside the Stavanger Cathedral at 14:30. Arriving at the cathedral I found him sitting in the rear seats of the church, a part from us there were only two people sitting in front of the church. I sat beside him and we remained silent for several minutes as the sun's rays vaguely infiltrated through the windows on the north side of the church, the smell burning candles carrying those silent and invisible pleading request to God engraved forever in my memory that day in the church with Henning Alexander. I placed my hand on top of his hand without looking up while our hands held strongly and then I noticed our hands getting wet with the tears dropping from his face. “I don’t regret anything that has happened between us” he said quietly. I then started to clean his face with my other hand and kissed him on the cheek tenderly telling him that I didn’t regret it either, that those hours next to him had been beautiful hours by his side. He then stood up and taking me by the hand he walked down the aisle all the way to the altar, I had never before dared to approach the altar of a Norwegian Church. Reaching the semicircular altar of the cathedral he asked me to kneel down with him and pray together. We did it quietly and then loudly for him and for me. Then he added that he wanted to pray for the possible life that perhaps could have been created accidentally  from our meeting. 

We got up  and faced each other as newlyweds do after receiving the blessing of God, he looked me in the eyes, took my hand and stood still while he observed me quietly. I then mentioned casually that at one time one of my dreams was to marry in the Stavanger Cathedral but it never happened. Henning Alexander answered “You are my wife, in this my so imperfect second time”.    We started walking out, he standing on the left side and I on the right side, before going down to the nave of the church, Henning began to solemnly but gracefully hum the wedding march of Mendelssohn and taking my hand to his lips and his eyes to my eyes, he kissed my hand tenderly. He then took me to the back of the church where all the special intention candles are placed, he bought three and lit them and said “one for you, one for me and a third just in case of the possibility of a third life”.

When we left the church, he began hastily to organize some of his things, he said he would go to the hotel and pick up his bags and then take a taxi to the airport. He gave me a hug and I witnessed how quickly he changed into another person. I was part of the past, we said goodbye and we both started to walk towards different directions, I turned to see him one last time when I saw him stopping in my bench, where we saw each other for the first time. He was taking his gloves out from his leather bag, one black and one white. One of the previous nights he had told me that he used two different color gloves to greet people, he greeted the good people with the white glove hand and the bad people with the black glove hand. He also had told me that in the past months he had started to use a headlamp when interviewing people to scare them and bring the truth out of them. I thought he was joking, but there watching from afar I really thought he was eccentric. My infatuation and my ability to accept strange people didn’t let me see the advanced state of his madness.

I started walking towards the cobbled streets near the cathedral, feeling how the lump in my throat grew with each step, I stopped in front of the jewelry shops to hide and suppress the pain in my face from the other pedestrians. Walking forward I received a text message from Henning “ Thank you for the beautiful days, I am going away and my life right now is like KT Tunstall song , Under The Weather”. I put the music on my headphones and I couldn’t hold the emotion inside of me anymore, I sat down in bench facing the sea, and I cried, I cried with certainty and confusion that only those who have lived something like this could ever understand. I cried for the madness of my emotions, for the seed of love that against any reason started to sprout in such a short period of time and under such conditions of immorality. I cried in desperation for an absence that I didn’t have the right to feel, for the beatings of a heart that didn’t belong to me, and yet they had existed in our time machine.

"Remember the three candles, three-dimensional codes that I write to you, see you in Egypt where we will be after seeing the pyramids of our lives (referring to Alchemist Cohelo). Pyramids, trigonometry, return home soon, soon my sun, I must fulfill my responsibilities, you know Emanuel Kant”. Said his next text.

"I kiss with my eyes my darling Sørlyset, see you soon. I am listening to Led Zeppelin's "The Rain Song" amazing son, my song, I remain yours". And that was the last text before Henning Alexander disappeared from my life. An overwhelming silence of more than two weeks where I had no idea what had happened to him. I began to run each night trying to burn away the longing and desperation, collapsing inevitable into tears. Life felt dark again and yet his presence felt so close, so certain thought  I had no idea of his whereabouts and his condition. I had promised him never to approach his private life and I always respected that promise.  It was the night before I would hear from him that I concluded that he was perhaps hospitalized in a mental institution. I had read about his illness and had no doubt that the person I met in those cold January days was a a person in the midst of a hypo-mania and that if he had been in silence it was because he was unable to contact me.