Epilogue
Paula Robles Nettle
It was late at night, COVID-19 lock-down was in its second month, and I was settled into the quietness of the lockdown. I had come to terms with not stressing about the future, after being put on temporary leave from work and my son on homeschooling. We were going to tackle life with optimism. The work for my well-being had started, simple and gently changing things that needed my attention both in my new home and myself.
Two months into the lockdown the phone displayed a message from Henning Alexander. My heart started to beat fast, it was the year of our 10 year promise and I had been wondering if he remembered it if he really had meant it, when that last night in Berlin he said we would meet again after ten years. I opened his message, he had been thinking about it all these years, ten years to be exact, ten years that I have also tried to put behind, forget, get involved with others to erase or diminish the power of that love story.
Our meeting midst the pandemic was brief, two pair of eyes meet again after ten years, and time, distance, resentments melted away in an instant. We were not strangers, we were the same, only older, grayer, lived. We had a glass of wine on a sunny and pleasantly warm afternoon of spring. His blue eyes I had adored, traveled up and down my eyes and lips with the same tenderness I had felt from them while they traveled through my face on the slightly younger years of our late thirties. He observed me while I cheerfully spoke about all the adventures I had embarked on after we sadly parted ways, and how our time in this world had given me the strength to live fully and dare to live my dreams. He stopped me and said he loved the way the breeze moved my hair and how beautiful I looked. I was again in dangerous territory.
The conversation continued about his life, and it was there and then that the man I had put on a pedestal, no longer deserved to be there. In front of me was a man whose life situation that had been oppressing him for a decade, still complained about the same things, and he admitted not daring to do anything about it. That his loyalties were more important than his feelings, than his desires, and than his wishes. Love had nothing to do with his future and he had resigned to a life where he admittedly felt bored with and unable to escape it. I listened carefully to him, and for the first time didn’t offer any words of advice. I felt no longer empathy but pity. I had removed myself from his life ten years ago so we both could live authentic, pure, and honest lives, seeking the happiness that we wanted and here we were ten years later, and I had evolved and he was the same man I had met ten years ago. Successful in his prominent career and living in his routines numbing all that his heart could desire. I felt sad for the years I had worshiped the idea of him, and later on, for the emptiness, my life was going to feel after he kissed me goodbye the morning after.
I sobbed all the way back to Stavanger. I was heartbroken even though I knew that out of this, it was I who had won in life, despite my so imperfect circumstances. I had little compared to him, no partner, no prominent career, no money, no broader connections, and social status, but after experiencing love with him and resigning to it for him to seek his happiness, I had embraced my life as it was, working around my pain, not blaming the circumstances and searching for the happiness available to me. I had managed to build something simple and beautiful of myself, by daring to live and daring to put my heart in all I’ve touched. I had not become cynical even though I could have ended up that way. After a few weeks of sorrow after that brief meeting, I finally decided to put him behind and could see a road ahead where I was going to look for my perfect match.
It is not going that well though. Struggles past do not exempt us from
suffering in the future. Dating is hard but I tell myself that every door that closes, will
lead me to the one that will open. The search must include many disappointments,
I am aware of that. The road ahead remains difficult because each person that breaks a
little bit of our hearts may discourage us from this nerve-wracking journey but I know well,
that love is a matter of courage, of time, of luck, of patience. I am willing to walk the walk into the uncertainty
of life with the hope that he is, as I am, walking his journey of self-discovery,
certain that at some time in the future there will be a space in time for us to
meet and we will meet at the right time for both of us. Two individuals with strong life missions, that live by
principles and purpose able to share life and meet in the spaces of love, companionship, growth mindset,
exploration, introspection, and commitment.
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