It has been now more than six months since I
found out who he was, hidden behind his alias, it took two years to be able to
crack the code of his identity. I remember that moment in march very well, when
I finally found out who he was and how I savored the moment of his reaction when I
would plainly ask if he was XYZ. Though our story –if one could every say there
is one- commenced behind the eyes of
others and has continued to do so after that, there has been little pieces here
and there to fulfill my curiosity, the puzzle of a personality that I so much
enjoy to decipher, decoding for the fun to decode the masculine traits of a man’s
mind, his thoughts, his likes, his secrets, his interests, the unique way in
which he differentiates himself without knowing form other men. The back and
forward of a hidden conversation has great rewards, but it can also have perils
that I have learned with the years to move around them, while tackling the
inevitable push of a man’s lust, then again, that push always reveals
interesting sides of the mind of a man, perhaps faintly disclosing the strings
of his weaknesses, those of the physical nature but upon observing carefully,
those of a psychological/emotional nature too.
While they might go straight forward looking
for the door to enter, driven by the key of lust and a fantasy, they proceed protected
by their ability to not compromise their emotions while doing so, they continue
to pursue usually in the same agile manner in which I then need to move agile
but carefully forward into a common sexless ground of conversation. One could
ask what is the problem with this issue, well, the problem usually lies in the
civil status of the men, then one could say why purse a conversation with an
attached man and someone who deliberately might try to use his lust as a way to
interact with the world. In reality these things happen in a subtle way, after
all by now we all know the art of the game, but how a single man chases it’s completely
opposite as to how an attached one does, and this is where the field of my
curiosity has lead me to many wonderful discoveries about how men feel. A
single man generally doesn’t stop to think about what he feels while he is
enjoying the rewards of fulfilling his physical life, whereas an attached man
does stop to think about what he feels, mainly what he lacks, what he painfully
restrains about himself and ultimately what he feels has been neglected and
what he longs for but chooses to sacrifice up to a certain degree to maintain a
life in which he finds himself many times unable to recognize himself.
Though he might long the physical and emotional
free lifestyle of the chase of a single man, both single and attached men are naturally
provided with a software application that is usually standard to men with
normal libidos. The fulfillment of an orgasm is just wired to their nature, with
or without someone by their side. If a woman hasn’t understood and accepted
that part of a nature of a man she is not understanding the fundamental
physical nature of most men with normal libidos. A single man can change partner
as much as he wants, while an attached man he is bound by ethics and/or love
towards one partner. But why is it that an attached man searches somewhere else
when he still claims that he is happy? Is
it only about sex? Well, I wouldn’t dare to claim that I have the answer to
such question, but I can give my opinion based on my own experiences: The
answer is no, it seems is not only about sex but sex seems to be always
attached to the dilemma. If one digs further, scraping the layers that protect
the other layers of a man’s personality, what he wishes consciously to reveal,
one may find that men are as sensitive, idealistic, at times even more romantic than they dare to admit, and hopeful as much as a women. The matter is that once we discover the rewards of our sexuality and if
neglected by our partners (this applies for both men and women) this can constantly
betrays us.
What I’ve learned from XYZ has been very enlightening,
a man passed his midlife with regrets of the heart in his life and the surprising
discovery of longing of love and intimacy despite having it all in appearance. His
daily enforce of ethics, a constant encounter with sadness, things in his life seems for now that will never return to normal but he has to stay there enduring the rest of his
life, that is what he promised. Though I may feel sad for his circumstances, I do not feel pity for the
man he is, after all, he is a true gentleman, a bright man, a caring human being,
another great person I read and discuss
books online with, someone who listens
to my views, refutes and acknowledges my ideas and discusses with me, but
overall a good friend who sees me even when we have never met each other, we live separated by a great geographical and age distance on top of that of the impossibility. Another wonderful man whose arrival into my
life no doubt comes in an imperfect and impossible timing, but as someone wise
said to me we have to look for the beauty of the perfect imperfections. This friendship is one of those.
Stavanger 05.11.2015
Recommended reading:
The Kreutzer Sonata (Leo Tolstoy)
Stoner (John Williams)
Stavanger 05.11.2015
Recommended reading:
The Kreutzer Sonata (Leo Tolstoy)
Stoner (John Williams)
I think you pretty much nailed it. The part about being a man in a relationship but looking outward and to other places doesnt mean it's only about sex sometimes just like your post there are thing in the relationship that lack. Things that one says What if?
ReplyDeleteA few years ago, a man told me something about his second wife, which he met after he turned 55. He said his second marriage was successful because he met her when he had already realized who he really was, and more important because he found someone who had already realized this as well. His first relationship had been based from the idea of them in the past, at some point evolving but not in the same directions. later I met her as well, I liked the way the spoke with each other, the way the look so relaxed about each other...
DeleteI understand what you say about the what if's. It is not an easy place to wonder neither mentally nor emotionally.A what if is never a good reason to end a relationship. What is needed is a certainty, those only come from the heart, as a physical pain in the chest, usually sneaking into our bodies. Most people don't get there because of the natural nature of marriage/cohabitation to salvage and work for the relationship but mainly because of the fear, uncertainty and inevitable trip one needs to take towards failure. In my experience, years later, failure makes sense, so much sense upon seeing one self and realizing this is who were meant to be.
There are many implications into these life decisions staying or leaving.One stays until there is no other option than leaving to save oneself.